Guys, I tried to change projects again.
Hear me out! Lol!
Basically what happened is that I was just having a hard time. Like I mentioned in an earlier post, the problem isn’t that I sit down to write and can’t get any words to come. The problem is that I don’t sit down to write in the first place.
The whole reason I’m having to rewrite this story in first place is because I got scared and wrecked last time. So imagine my surprise when I sit down to rewrite it and I’m scared again. Who knew I’d have to deal with some of the same issues I faced last time!
It left me wanting to work on something less frightening. Or at least something that I messed up for non-fear-based reasons, of which there’s plenty to choose from.
I wanted to work on a horror story, because I finally realized what was bothering me about all the POVs I was going to write into the story. I’m not really a fan of multiple viewpoint stories. I can read anything if it’s interesting enough, of course, but it makes it harder for me to connect to the characters and the story. I’ve read three books over the last few months with five plus POVs, and I realized that it’s going to be difficult for me to write a story with seven viewpoints when it’s not necessary if I don’t like books that have seven unnecessary viewpoints.
I know. I’m a rocket scientist.
So, after finishing a book with too many POVs, I had a sudden rush of, “why don’t I just tell it from that one girl’s POV? I wanted her to have one anyway, and she’s the only character in the entire book who can tell the entire story by herself.” So, then, in true me fashion, I got super excited and wanted to work on it, and I continued to want to work on it for two days. Then, I went to work and worked with a coworker I hardly ever work with who also writes, and when I said what I was thinking out loud, that I was having confidence issues and wanted to work on this horror story instead, I could see a couple of things quite clearly, like there was a spotlight on them.
One: that horror story needs a bit more baking time now that I’ve changed the number of POVs from seven to one. Two: I’m being a coward.
Sure, I’m also being neurotic. But the reason I don’t want to work on “Winter” is because I’m afraid it’s not “good enough.” Not because I’m overthinking things, because I’m always overthinking. I’m used to it. And it’s not because I feel like it isn’t good. It’s because I’ve been reading so many great books lately, and I have a case of, “Everyone is better than me so I should quit.”
I know. Comparison is of the devil. Especially when I’m comparing a published book to my first draft.
But that’s what I’m over here thinking. I’m thinking everyone is amazing and I’m just good, so in comparison, that makes me mediocre so why am I wasting my life?
Was I being ridiculous? Sure, sure. But when am I ever not being ridiculous? Obviously, I need to figure out how to work through my ridiculousness.
My coworker suggested that I take a break from reading, and I was like, “I have 9 more books to read this year!” I also thought that was just craziness. Stop reading? For no reason? I’m on a roll right now. Gotta keep going while things are hot or whatever. And honestly, if reading good books makes me question myself, there’s a problem that needs fixing.
Also, I obviously still wanted to write. I just wanted to write something else. Because I’m scared. I’ve already tried to write this story once. What if I mess it up again? What if it’s not as good as I think it is? If it’s not good, I’ll have nothing to publish next year, and I’m afraid my OCD will pitch a fit if I skip a year, especially if it’s due to neurosis and nothing else.
I should at least be able to get one book out a year! I feel like a failure already, and it’s not even winter yet.
Pun not intended.
In my head, I thought, “I have more faith in this horror story. I can finish that in a month, probably, and that’ll take the pressure off this book.”
But then I thought, I know pretty early on when I have a wreck on my hands. I feel it in my brain. I don’t feel that way with “Winter.” I’m just comparing myself to everyone. All the time. And stomping on my poor story before it’s even finished.
So, I didn’t change projects. I got back to work. Because if this story isn’t done by the end of the year, I’m going to be upset.