What? A writing update? Are you in the right place? 😛
Before you get excited – haha – I’m not actually writing. I’m just dabbling and brainstorming and wanting to write…on a good day. And thankfully, I find myself, on that good day, wanting to write my Pinewood Falls story. So no project changes! All this reading I’ve been doing is filling my head with story love, and it’s helping me remember again why I love writing. Because I love stories.
It’s interesting how I can read something and be equal parts jealous and inspired. Sure, I can nitpick over people’s writing sometimes. As a grammar snob, I don’t understand why someone would use the word “toward” five times on a single page. But like, I’m not going to pitch a fit. It just crosses my mind as I’m reading. Unnecessary words. Overwriting. Slow pacing. Underwriting. Whatever. I don’t care. I like beautiful stories. Interesting stories. Entertaining stories. I just want to have a good time.
My struggle with writing hasn’t been about the actual writing being hard. I don’t, for the most part, exceptions aside, find writing to be hard. It’s the sitting down to write. It’s the voices in my head. It’s the doubt. The self-loathing. The worry. The insane and never-ending desire to be perfect and amazing. I compare myself to myself a lot. I compare book ten to book eight. Book nineteen to book twelve. Book twenty-three to book twenty. And I look at what I did in book-whatever that I loved so much, and I want every story to feel that magical or be that easy to write or whatever.
There’s just a lot of head stuff that goes on. A lot of mental barriers before I can get to the actual sitting down and writing. And I also compare myself to other writers a lot. Sure, I shouldn’t, but I’m an over-analyzer by nature. I like comparing my books to books similar and not similar to mine and analyzing how I could be better. Analyzing why that author is better than me. It’s not depressing. Like sure, I cry sometimes, but I always want to be better. That’s probably the biggest problem I have when it comes to sitting down to write. There’s a part of me that’s standing in my way, holding a whip and threatening pain on myself if I don’t work harder.
And it’s like, honestly, I work my ass off. And I often won’t stop long enough to rest before wearing myself out again. It’s stupid. I should at least have the sense to take a break, because working hard doesn’t keep me from having regrets. Everything can always be better. And it doesn’t work to tell myself that it doesn’t have to be. It should just be my best. And that should be good enough, but it isn’t.
Sometimes I pick up my own books and read through a few pages or a chapter. I do like the stories I write. 🙂 And I do want to write Pinewood Falls. There’s something fascinating about it.
I know it really is important to have periods of rest. Even forced rest. I need time to refill my creative reserves. You can’t burn the proverbial midnight oil with no oil. Even though everyone out there probably thought I would want to write again some day. I honestly didn’t. And most days I still don’t. So I don’t know when I’ll actually be writing again, but I briefly want to, at least once a week, so there’s that.
In poetry news, 😀 I have tentative titles for the different sections, a tentative order for the sections, and a couple of tentative blurbs. Short and to the point. Just like in real life. 🙂 I always planned to have sections, but I didn’t realize it’d be this necessary. Like, the depressing poetry being intermingled with the fantasy ones, like it is now on my messy draft, is making for a kind of whiplash reading experience. So, I’m going to organize everything before I read it again and check for flow, ya know.
Organizing things is proving to be time consuming, though somewhat fun. I have to do everything manually, and I’m a tad worried about things shifting on the ebook side. My software isn’t equipped for poetry, though I suppose I could hire someone to do it for me. 🙂
I still haven’t cut anything, but there’s still plenty of time. 😛 I’m reading a lot of poetry right now to help me with confidence and crap so I don’t axe stuff just because I’m uncomfortable. I thought seeing better poetry than mine would make me insecure, but a lot of these authors and poets are much braver than me. Reading a lot of poetry while I work on my own collection is probably one of the better writing decisions I’ve made. 🙂