The writing struggle was real this past month. Here are some things I wish I could remember between projects:
- How intimidated I am by the blank page.
- How hard it is to settle on the next project.
- How often I decide on a project only to change my mind a week later.
- The fact that I sometimes freak out and stress out and flail around to the point where I feel crazy.
- The fact that I might want to quit writing because it feels hard and impossible and I don’t know how I ever got a story out at all ever.
Like, I wish I knew what I was doing. After I finished my edits last month, I decided to take a little break, except for brainstorming, and maybe outlining, because I have to do something! In any case, with nothing to really occupy my mind, crazy thoughts ran rampant everywhere.
I wish I could say that deep down I know all those crazy thoughts are stupid, but I don’t. Doubt took up residence in every single room of my house. Like, I wasn’t comparing my books to other books. I was comparing them to descriptions of other books. Like, I wish I knew how to stop it. I wish I had all the answers.
But I do have the only answer that matters. The solution to all the crazy-making in the old brain is to chill the eff out. All decisions are easier to make if I’m not constantly stressing myself.
The other thing that helped was some unexpected awesome messages from a couple of writing friends. The timing was perfect. Like, I was in the middle of freaking out and needing some kind of pep talk, and there they were. ^_^
So when I finally gave myself permission to chill out, I started to understand why I change projects so much. Like what does it even mean to be working on something? Sometimes I have an overwhelming urge to work on something, not because I need to write it right now, but because there are plot holes everywhere and it’s time to fix some. After all, what’s the point of baking all those stories if I’m not going to check in on them for time to time? And after fixing plot holes, things often need to gel, you know.
It’s just hard to tell the difference. I have no idea when a story is screaming for attention to fix stuff or screaming to be written. And I have no idea when I’m hesitating because I’m freaking out or hesitating because the story’s still not ready or hesitating because I’m just tired and need a break. Like, it all feels very similar.
But it’s okay that I don’t know what I’m doing. It’s not like I’m the only one, even though it might feel like that sometimes. And it’s also okay if I keep changing my mind about what to work on. I settle on something eventually. Having multiple possibilities and ideas is a good thing, I think. Maybe one day I’ll just go back and forth 10 times instead of 50. 🙂
On a side note, I’m now using Createspace along with IngramSpark for print books. Amazon changed the printers, and the two are now almost indistinguishable.
In other news, I’m an aunt now. My sister was in labor for nearly 25 hours last week to give birth to a 9 pound baby girl. ^_^