You know those creepy girls in Lifetime movies that stalk a guy they slept with once and then kill him? That’s me. Minus, the stalking and slaying and sleeping around.
It just so happens, that every so often, I get super fixated on things. And lately, it appears that I’ve gotten quite obsessive about some things that I have never cared about in my life. I’m not talking about the time I spent an hour picking out brown eye shadow at Ulta? I left with 7 shades of the same freaking color! But I have a long history with brown eye shadow. 😀
No, I’m talking about stuff I really don’t care about. And it wasn’t until I started working on “Legion” (or whatever I’ll end up calling it) that I understood WHY I kept getting fixated on these things. Yes, I’m OCD, but even with that wiring, something brought it out in the first place. Something causes that switch to flip in my brain.
In this particular case, it’s just good old fashioned control issues again. Haha. 😐 Yeah, so, once I send a story out into the world, I have no control. None of us do. We don’t control what people think. What they feel. What they say. What they do. Imagine. Someone ripping the pages of your story out and wiping their butt with it. Isn’t that just…ugh?
But I can control how much eyeshadow I buy (maybe), how many DNA tests I take (five, to date), and how much money I spend on a wallet I don’t need.
And I get excited about different things from time to time. I get excited about animals. I get excited about mascara. I get excited about shiny tech and halloween costumes and tote bags and knives!
When it’s all said and done, however, the one thing I’m more passionate about than anything is writing. And this blog is a perfect example. When I started it, almost 4 years ago now, I had a long list of things I could talk about for way too long. Instead, I talked about poetry. I talked about my iPhone. I talked about sewing a little bit. But mostly, I’ve talked about writing. And 4 years later, still talking about writing.
Yes, I can talk about other things. But it doesn’t feel the same! When I get a story out, I feel calm. SUPER excited. But I’m also calm inside. And I can sleep. And I feel balanced. But writing is also scary. Because writing is unstable, and who doesn’t want stability!
There’s this quote in the Showtime show “The Affair.” (It’s my sister’s fault! The writer in me couldn’t resist a storyline involving a writer! LOL!) Anyway, crazy girl on the show (not the writer), her mom turns to her one day and says, “You have always craved security…but now that you’re starting to realize there is no such thing, you’re starting to become someone else…”
I felt like I’d been punched. Seriously. I started crying. (We all know by now that I’m a crybaby. This is learned, by the way. I didn’t used to be so weepy. Emotions of STEEL, I had! I was also crazy. Still crazy. Less crazy. Maybe. Some days. Who cares. All geniuses are crazy. ^_^)
Anyway, Athena, the girl’s mom in the show – old girl is right. There is no security. And that is exactly why I’m finally back on track with my writing. Because I finally realized that the only things I can control with my writing is what I write and if I write or not.
So that’s the thing. If someone is going to wipe their arse with my story, then dang it, it’s going to be the best thing I can write. You don’t get to wipe your butt with my crap. If someone is going to stomp on my story, it’s going to be a story I love. Because trust me, having someone spit on your crap only makes it worse. I didn’t think it would. And maybe someone out there thinks so, too. But I know from experience that it’s so much worse.
I thought I wanted to die after my vampire story was rejected. I didn’t know how depressed I could get until I churned out four pieces of crap in a row. And no, I’m not being dramatic when I say I wanted to die. Don’t worry though. I’m not the jumping off the bridge type. When I say I want to die, I mean I want to go to sleep until I die. Big difference. 😉
So, whatever my point was, if there was a point, there’s no point in not finishing my story because I’m scared. People will love it or they won’t. It’ll go somewhere or it won’t. I have a FLEET of awesome ideas. The world will keep turning. Apparently.
You know, it’s hard not to make fun of a 40 year old man who still uses mummy’s credit card to buy things like groceries (I know someone like this, seriously, and I totally make fun of him), but you know what, that grown ass man went to Hong Kong last year (on mummy’s dime) because he wanted to. He doesn’t care if I think he’s a loser (and I do). He went to Hong Kong and I stayed here and felt sorry for myself.
So, there probably is no point. I’m just rambling because my story is chaotic, and I feel insecure and want to bury my head in the sand and scream. Have a nice day. 🙂