The Very Definition of Insanity

Today’s post is inspired by something I saw during a season three episode of Parks & Recreation: WORD CLOUDS!! ^_^

Recently, I had another writing meltdown. My sister gave me a pep talk and then sent me a motivational video on YouTube that night that I watched it in the middle of watching Beetlejuice. Somewhere in the days after that, and another silly horror flick from the late 80s/early 90s era, I reflected on another horrible meltdown I had that resulted in me writing absolutely nothing for two years. Sure, I thought about it all the time, but I wouldn’t even try.

Early in 2012, about a year after I started writing again, though I was still struggling to continue quite a bit, I had a general meltdown that resulted in me ripping my vision boards to shreds with a dagger (literally – like a crazy person). When the dust settled and I had calmed down, I told myself that I could be upset every day for the rest of my life over all the things I felt I had no control over. Or I could accept that my life wasn’t perfect and never would be and focus on the things I could control – like whether I continued to write or not. So I strapped on the heavy artillery and tried again because I’m a damn writer, and this is what we do. Since then, through some miracle, I have managed to pick myself up again after each subsequent episode of falling down on my face.

So, I didn’t make it into PitchWars for the second year in a row. Last year, it was fine because I didn’t want to change my story anyway. (Ha,ha) But really, I didn’t. #superseriousface This year, not getting picked meant that I wouldn’t be working on edits for a story I really do want to change and therefore wouldn’t have a good excuse to set my current work-in-progress aside. I was now forced to go back to what I was working on, and what I was working on wasn’t working!! Of course I didn’t want to admit that yet another story wasn’t working. Hence, I had a meltdown. Felt like a failure. Wondered if I should just quit forever.

Whether that story just needs more time or is never going to happen is yet to be determined. I have had to walk away from so many stories in the last year, but thanks to my most recent meltdown, I could finally see why.

I looked over the last several stories I had actually finished (in order from 2012): Stone of Darkness, Chains of Destiny, How Deep Is My Darkness, Discord, Raven (first draft only, but still)…kind of makes me look like I’m doing pretty well, right?

I didn’t see if that way. #pessimisticproblems I just saw the 9 or 10 other stories that had “failed.” Yes. I actually counted 9, but I might be forgetting one or two.

Being the professional over-analyzer that I am, I looked at the finished stories and asked myself what was so different about them. And yes, the answer was super simple: they all had endings that I was excited about, and they were ALL stories that I wasn’t trying to fit in any particular genre or category when I wrote them. I just wrote what I wanted to write, let the cards fall wherever, and worried about categorizing it later. It’s the only thing that works for me. The stories I couldn’t finish all have endings I can’t get to AND were all stories that I was trying too hard to fit in a certain category. ALL of them.

It’s okay if I don’t know HOW to get to the ending. It’s NOT okay if the path to the ending isn’t making sense or isn’t there. I can’t write like that either. There comes a time or thousand in your writing journey where a project in your arsenal will try to force you to work on it. Everything else will fail. Literally everything. Because the project is blocking everything else.

I don’t know for sure if that is what was going on. But I do know that at the same time I got my shiny new idea, I got an idea on how I can go about fixing up “Raven.” I didn’t really give it anymore thought, deciding I would just work on it later, but Labor day weekend I was in Hobby Lobby doing a tiny bit of early Christmas Shopping 🙂 with a friend and saw a wooden carving of a raven, and I swear, for a moment, time stopped when I picked it up for a closer look.

I still didn’t think about actually working on the story though, so that next Tuesday at work (last week), I spent half the day combing through too many other ideas looking for something with an ending that I could get to. At one point, I had a moment where I thought, maybe I should just stop running away from “Raven” and fix it already. After all, at least I know how it ends. And I LOVE the ending. It’s perfection.

But WHY was I running away from it if I loved it so much? Because it is paranormal, and I have been reading for three straight years that paranormal is dead and doesn’t sell. So I have been trying to write something else. I have been FORCING myself to write something else. I have even written paranormal stories and screwed them up by trying to force them to be something else. But paranormal is without a doubt my favorite fantasy subgenre of choice. There is only one story that I’ve finished in the last 10 years that hasn’t been some subset of paranormal and that is Chains of Destiny, and I still have no idea how I actually finished that story. Probably because I was so in love with the characters. ^_^

So, I was like, “Screw it. Just embrace it.” So, I dusted “Raven” off the shelf and changed the name to “Nevermore” as a shout out to the boss Edgar Allan Poe, and also because it fits. And I’m finally in editing mode with this story after literally spending the entire year shoving it into a corner. I have a lot more rewriting to do than normal, but it’s not as bad as I thought and I’m happy. It doesn’t matter what I do with it after I finish it. All that matters is that I don’t give up on it because I’m afraid it won’t go anywhere.

It’s so hard to write when you think your work is never going to go anywhere! It’s depressing. But that is never a reason to give up on something you love.

So, in case anyone noticed that my work-in-progress changed in the sidebar (for the millionth time this year), this is why. #crazywriterlife

NOW, word clouds. ^_^
I was really curious to see which words would come up the most often!

First up: Stone of Darkness
stone cloudNext up: Chains of Destiny

Next: How Deep Is My Darkness
hdimd cloud

Next: Discord
discord cloudAnd last, but not least 🙂 : Raven/Nevermore
raven-nevermore cloud

I’m sure Anastasia appreciates how often I’ve had to type her name. Ha, ha. And no, she’s not the main character in case anyone was wondering.

You know what I notice I seem the like a lot? Eyes. And like. And back, for whatever reason. I did tell it to keep out words like “the” and “and” so that is why stuff like that isn’t on there. Otherwise, those would probably be the most common words! 😀

I am super relieved “just” didn’t take over all the lists. I was worried! In case anyone wants to know, I used wordle.net, but I wouldn’t recommend it as it didn’t save the files into anything I could use so I had run everything through a file converter to get it on the blog. It wasn’t difficult, but still… 😐 Maybe I should have just right clicked. If you play with this and try them, DO NOT use their “save as png” option.

In any case, this made me really happy. ^_^

18 Responses to The Very Definition of Insanity

  1. Those word clouds are pretty. I wonder what my stories are like? I’mma go do them now!

    You’re not alone in your insanity, Krystal 🙂 You have to write what’s in your heart and mind or else the story won’t click for you!

    • Aren’t they just so pretty? I love them. Yes, do some! It was so much fun! 😀
      Thanks for the encouragement! I always need to be reminded that I’m not alone. ^_^

  2. Love the word clouds! Not only useful, but pretty. I’m going to see what my stories bring up.
    Christmas shopping at Hobby Lobby is awesome…so want to do that!
    And nope, you’re not insane. All of us have melt downs, and doubt is more than everyday state. I don’t think barely a day goes by where I don’t consider giving up writing. As to the genre, don’t worry about it. I love paranormal. I know so many people who do, so even if the industry says it’s dead, ignore them. First, it’s not true (people still buy paranormal books), and second, it’s only ‘dead’ until some author writes a paranormal book that shakes the world again.
    Love the new name for your story!

    • Right?! I can’t stop looking at them. Yes, it has definitely been an interesting insight into my writer brain. I’m going to work on toning down my “likes” though. Lol!

      Thank you for this! For a while I didn’t know what I was going to do with my life. But, I’ll keep pushing ahead. I certainly fall into the camp of someone who consumes a large amount of paranormal. 🙂

      And more thanks! I love the new title, too. ^_^

      Hobby Lobby is the best. I’m one of those people who actually appreciate that they have Christmas stuff out in October since I always shop so early. ^_^

  3. Love word clouds! I’m glad you aren’t giving up. It is difficult to keep at it when you feel like it’s not going anywhere, but you never know how short or long your road to publication is. It could just be around the corner of one more manuscript, so keep hope. You are a brilliant writer, and you’ve helped me immensely! It’d be a shame for you to quit and not be on the shelves one day. Keep at it Krystal. You’ll get there. And the tide we’ll turn when paranormal is back in 😉 And you’ll be able to sell all your books at once! Write what you love.

  4. I love a good word cloud. Granted I tend to get more caught up on how cool they look and the kinds of words I use frequently to put them to use. They are just so much fun.

    I know how you feel though. Part of the reason I’m only getting back into writing after a few really bad months is that I convinced myself that the nearly hundred books I read since March have been research. Sure, in many ways it was. I’ve got a much better feel of what I like in stories. What works and what doesn’t. It’s also been serious avoidance. But I did get a new angle on one of my novels that I’ve been working on forever. I enjoy it and I don’t want to give up. I’ve got something to say. Hopefully it doesn’t suck.

    • They’re definitely so much fun!

      Yes, never give up! You’re the only one who can tell the stories that come to you. 🙂 I had to spend some time analyzing books and even movies last year to get me back on track. Not just writing what I love but also better utilizing my strengths and tastes.

  5. I’m with you on the endings thing. If I’m going to write a book I have to know 1. The beginning, 2. The ending, and 3. At least 5 major plot points. Otherwise I just can’t do it.

    Love the word clouds. Never done one of those, but now I’m SUPER curious.

    • Me too, exactly! I’ve tried to just jump in and start typing before, but without a clear picture of the beginning, I just end up throwing everything out.

      I have never done a cloud before today. It’s been wildly entertaining. 😀

  6. For some reason, your posts stopped showing up in my blog feed. Boo! Especially since I could use the word clouds right about now for, well, reasons.

    Somewhere there’s a balance between never finishing anything and forcing yourself to write something, even when it’s not working. I’ve fallen on the wrong side of that line a number of times (and which side is the “right” side is debatable), but I definitely don’t judge the nth change to the “work in progress”!

    • We can always use word clouds! ;D

      Nth change for real! There is a time when we just need to power through it. Sometimes we do both at the same time! When it’s not working, but we want to try anyway. 🙂

  7. Clouds clouds! Lalalalala 🙂
    Just noticed your post notifications were going to my junk 🙁
    Anyway! Never give up! We are here for you. Don’t forget 🙂

  8. Listening (or reading) to your past writing woes Krystal has me feeling so…awed. Because since 2012 you have finished five novels. FIVE. And you’ve worked on 9 or 10 additional projects. From where I’m sitting, this is such an amazing accomplishment. You’re, like, a *real* writer–a writer to the very core. To put this in perspective for you, I’ve started, and finished, exactly one novel. One. And that one took me three years. I think even if I quit my job and adopted my kids out, I still couldn’t come to close to writing as much as you.

    Word clouds! Oh my gosh! Sooooo doing one of these for Chasing Echoes!

    • Omg, thank you! This is why you’re awesome. Lol! ^_^ It certainly looks good when I put it in perspective!

      Yes! Words clouds are the best things since paper. 😀

Hi! ^_^